adventure + friends

&& then we explored....

christmas

Christmas in America;
crazyness, fun, SNOW, cinnamon rolls, family, FRIENDS, gifts, love, lights, JESUS, laughter, chaos, music, hugs. & lots lots more.

in the bathroom.

Sarah took a beautiful photo of the sunset in New Plymouth the other night and sent it to me.

It's Christmas tomorrow in New Zealand.
I miss home.

& You know the feeling...
The one where you want to cry? You NEED to cry?
And you know that everything will be better once you have cried?
I'm there. I'm at that point. I've been there for days.
And I am comforted as I sit in the bathroom with the Holy Spirit and think and wonder and just let everything go.

All Around Me
Flyleaf.

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm still alive, I'm still alive

[chorus]
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm still alive, I'm still alive, We're still alive

[chorus]

And so I cry, Holy
The light is white, Holy
And I see you, Holy

I'm alive, I'm still alive, We're still alive

[chorus]

Take my hand, I give it to you
Now you own me, All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you, I believe

[chorus]

♥♥♥

america; the latest.

I feel like I'm at home.
And as much as I miss people back in NZ I really am dreading leaving what I have here.
It is the uncertainty of when I will see them again.

The sadness of leaving friends that I already had; and have made since being here.

Will I go home and have it be like before? Like this never happened and once again talk about our days, our schedules, events but never about life, never about feelings or hurts or joys.
I pray that our friendship will remain solid.



Yesterday Beckye, Martha and I left to head to San Francisco for the day. After a interesting start with Beckye being rear-ended at the 'gas' station, it turned into an epic day.
Driving and talking and singing.
Shopping and photo's at Pier 39.
Sprinting from the parking garage half a kilometre to POTO because we were 15 minutes late.
The slow moving traffic as we headed out of San Francisco at peak traffic hour.

Honestly, people are so rude when driving over here. They refuse to let you change lanes. It made me angry.
But it was an awesome day. I am looking forward to heading to Yosemite.

Me; Beckye; Martha at Pier 39.

Beckye; Me outside The Hard Rock Cafe at Pier 39.

Me; Beckye in front of San Francisco Bay





A building near the Orpheum Theatre. Just as the sun is setting.

snow

Yesterday it snowed =]
We had just gotten home from the Woman's Christmas Tea [it was more like lunch] and we get a call saying it has started snowing.
Of course we bundle up and I grab the camera and we go play in the falling snow.
I was beyond excited.

Standing outside with our mouthes open wide.
ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah

america [part 3] - PHOTOS

Last night a bunch of us went bowling at a local bowling alley.
I choked. I got worse as the night went on but it was incredibly fun.

Beckye & I took some pictures to prove that I actually am here and not just lying to you all.

america [part2]

I feel like I've known these girls for ages.
Like it's only been a month since I've seen Rebekah and her sisters yet I've never met Beckye and haven't seen Lizi and Sarah in over a year.
I like it. They have awesome friends who are keen to talk and so lovely and always so polite [saying pleased to meet you and the like.] Since when did anyone do that in NZ?

But I have been so slack. No photo's of me of any of the girls at all. In the next few day's I will make an effort to get some more photo's.

I am not homesick. I thought I would be missing home by now but I have been so welcomed it is hard not to feel like this is home. Maybe around Christmas or in a bit more time but not yet. I am enjoying Beckye and Lizi and Sarah and Taylor and Martha and all their friends too much.

Anyway. Bed-time.
lovelovelove

and i'm here

Why New Zealand is better than America;
- America has a ridiculous amount of billboards and signage coming out of major cities. Everything just bombards you and makes things ugly. NZ has not yet fully embraced this to the same extent.
- In America the freeways are lined with rubbish [trash if you’re American] and the roads can be bumpy. It would not be acceptable in NZ.
- New Zealanders use the metric system. This is the correct way of measuring. Inches, feet, yards and miles are inferior. You should change.
- New Zealanders drive on the correct side of the road and have logical road rules.Americans don’t drive correctly or have sensible rules. Sorry for those who live in America.
- New Zealand is green for most, if not all of the year. Flying over the bay area was shocking. Everything is brown; greeny brown at a push.

Why America is better than NZ;
- It has Beckye, Lizi, Sarah and the Hosfords and Taylor.
- My New Zealand accent is different and therefore I get attention. In NZ it’s cool NOT to have a NZ accent [unless it’s Australian, in that case you’re not cool either]. Over here I’m considered special. =] [not in a bad way, but people are always curious why you’re over and willing to talk etc]


I am loving America.
I am loving the people I'm around.
It is refreshing, stimulating and relaxing.
There is so much to do and see. Just looking out the window of the car is exciting.
It is starting to feel like I've always been here. Like I was here only months ago. I like it.

And so starts my American adventure.
♥♥♥♥

adventuring

I am off on an adventure.

I have pretty much done with packing.
Will finish it off in the morning.
2 suitcases, a shoulder bag and a computer case.

I have 3 jobs to do in the morning.
4.5 hours in a car.

1.5 hours at the Bartletts
2.5 hours in the airport
12 hours on a plane.
And I'm there.

Praise Revolution: Suffer

I have just read my devotional and loved today's thought.
It is nothing new that I haven't heard before, it is not a huge revelation for most, but for me it was particularly heartening and thought provoking.

Verse:
'Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering' - 1 Peter 4:12

It says::
"A fundamental truth of the getting-to-know-God process is that some aspects of Him can only be revealed in pain....
One thing we will eventually learn is this; God shows up in our suffering in ways that He otherwise would not. Doesn't it make sense that if we are to know the mercy of God, we are going to have to come face-to-face with our sin first? Or that if we are going to know God as our Healer, there must first be some sickness? Or that if He is to be our Rescuer, we must first be in some sort of trouble from which we need rescuing? Or that if we are to understand His compassionate comfort, we must have some kind of hardship that makes His comfort understandable?"
- Worship the King Devotional - Chris Tiegreen.

I like it. And I wonder how many times have I been in pain or in a trial and become too self absorbed that I missed out on seeing another aspect of God working in my life. That I missed out on God rescuing me because I was curled up in a ball and wouldn't let anyone in, even God.

I hope in future trials I will watch for His work and be encouraged knowing that God is still with me and is acting when I can't.

Oh Us..

Christina's freckles on her nose that suit her perfectly and make me smile.
Alana's red hair that no-one else could pull off quite as well.
Jenny's smile that brightens the greyest of days.
How I just love them.

Books.

Now that school is [almost!] officially over I am going to restart reading books that interest me rather than the textbooks that are incredibly boring and marginally informative.

I found Blue Like Jazz after seeing several notible Christian people recommend it. Where I first heard of it I can't remember but have known of it for some time. After I found it mentioned in the To Write Love on Her Arms story, and then also as one of Brooke Fraser's favourite books I went in search of it.

So now, when I need new material I am going to return to Brooke Fraser's list and take note. I know some of these books or have heard of the authors before and know they're good. And plus it's Brooke Fraser so it'd have to be quality writing to make the favourites.
“Emergency Sex and Other Desperate Measures” – Kenneth Cain, Heidi Postlewait, Andrew Thomson
“Same Kind of Different As Me” – Ron Hall & Denver Moore
“The Ragamuffin Gospel” – Brennan Manning
“The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time” – Mark Haddon [READ]
“We Wish to Inform You that Tomorrow We Will Be Killed With Out Families” – Philip Gourevitch
“Letters and Papers from Prison” – Dietrich Bonhoeffer
“The Great Divorce” – C.S. Lewis
“The Pursuit of God” – A.W. Tozer
"Blue Like Jazz" – Donald Miller [READ]

I want to get a hold of all of CS Lewis's work at some point. He is brilliant.
I miss reading solely for pleasure. Must make sure I do it more often.

the congo

Do you guys know what's happening in the Democratic Republic of Congo?
I knew, I had heard vaguely but I was watching the news tonight and got a glimpse of just how bad it has gotten.

The people live in refugee camps that are patrolled by the rebels.
I heard how one 15 year old girl went to get firewood with her friends and was raped by a soldier.
It went on to say that even though alot of the camps supply wood and such so they don't have to go out, the women and children are still not safe, their are rapings in the camps because the rebels are the ones holding the guns.
This totally cut me.

I researched a little bit about this war and found that it has been going on since 1998.
It cut me that the world is only just starting to notice, that we are only just starting to care.
This is the worlds deadliest conflict since World War II.
It has killed 5.4 million people so far.
The prevalence and intensity of rape and sexual violence is the worst in the world.
The UN, Rwanda, Uganda have all been involved in this time to try and bring peace to the country. There were peace treaties but they failed.

I don't know. Maybe this is why I feel like I'm running out of time. That things like this are happening all around the world and us in our luxury look the other way and forget.
When I think about all those people I dying can just see God crying for the lost; that they never had a chance to know Him. My heart starts to break.

God works in surprising ways. For awhile last year I steadily prayed for God to give me a heart for the people. For His people. Slowly it is happening a year later. Slowly God is starting to put people other than myself in my heart. I still have so far to go. I am still a self-centered human. But now my heart breaks for God's children; my prayers are turning from my needs, to the needs of others

And in all this I am realising that a path for one is not the path for all.
That God has a plan and I'm starting to understand it a little more.
He knows what will most fulfil me most.

Hebrews 12:1
Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,
let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles,

and let us run with perseverence the race marked out for us.

ringlets

I have a ringlet.
I put my hair in a side pony-tail and much to my delight and surprise it turned into one big ringlet.
I hope it does it again sometime.

pointless

Calculus is done and doesn't it feel good to put the books in a pile in the corner and never have to open them again.
Yes yes yes. Can't wait until there is nothing left on my desk.

My cousin is getting married on Saturday.
=]
But I can't be there
=[
Dad is going over on Thursday to 'represent' us it's just dumb not being there since she is the first cousin to get married and I love her to pieces.
I miss the whole rest of the family. My best Christmas's have been spent over there.
Maybe for a good excuse for a few weeks holiday in summer 09.

Away off in the distance I can see a plane as a white speck in the sky and I can't help but think that will be me in exactly 18 days.
In fact, it 18 days I will have been sitting in the plane for half an hour.

On a side note. I miss my friends. Exams have made me lonely.
Thanks for coming over and giving me an affectionate headbutt Alana, you made my day.




And so now to Shakespeare, Austen, Campion and unfamiliar.
urgh.
Procrastination is definately on the up&up.

new addition.

Meet Jetta...

She's cuter than you are!
=]

opportunity && learning.

It's not until the opportunity has passed that you realise you should have taken it.

In the past two days I have had two conversation's with girls who I never would have expected to talk to, girls who I automatically assumed would look down on me/not like me/be 'too cool' to talk to me or judge me.
But instead both were lovely, genuinely interested in what I was doing next year, keen to chat about the years that we've spent here and how history is possibly the worlds most boring subject.
When talking to these girls I began realising that maybe everyone is not looking at me like that and perhaps I have missed out on meeting some lovely people because I was too worried about what they would think, too afraid to put myself out there.

I have had five years to learn this and it's with only 1 day to go that I actually do. Dumb.
I feel like I have missed a great opportunity.
But on the other hand at least I've learnt it before next year.

facebook & running.

Now is the hard part.
The time where I start getting e-mails saying 'this person sent you a message' or 'this person left you a comment' and I want to go on facebook and check just incase it's important.
It's not. I know that but just that fact that I can't go on it makes it seem so.

Bebo's fine. Myspace is fine. But facebook is where it's apparantly happening and I'm not there.
I am not going to fade and this is doing me a world of good. I'll last until the 28th.


But on the other hand I have discovered that running is not enjoyable because it's a time to think, but it's enjoyable because all you have to concentrate on is putting one foot in front of the other and all the other clutter disappears from your mind. All the troubles, worries, stresses and problems just go and don't return until the endorphins fade off.

Maybe it's just because I can't run and think at the same time.
Takes too much brain power that I do not have.

Speaking of brainpower I have just done an hour of differentiation. Urgh.
I am heading back to do another hour because in the coming exams, anything less than merit is not good enough.


4 days until Prizegiving & Grad Dinner
8 days until first exam. [heck no!]
19 days until last exams [heck yes!]
27 days until Christina's Engagement Party & flying out till America.
PSYCH!

fireworks

I
go
to
America
in
less
than
a
month.
joyjoyjoy.

it just gets more and
more exciting every day.



i'm going to see fireworks tonight with my friends =] yay for a reason not to stay home && yay for friends.

time

I am beginning to realise the precious value of time.
Recently I have been praying for God teach me not to be lazy, or wasteful or sloppy.
I have found him to be immeasureably answering my prayer.

I was shocking before. Spending all of my time on a computer, reading a book, watching a movie.
Now I am running almost daily. I come home from school and go straight out for a run. I come home with a quick break for something to eat and get changed/shower and then study with a break for dinner and family time. That is changed on different nights but mostly it is what I would like to be doing.
I am still struggling to push myself fully to utilise all my time, I find myself slipping and have to catch myself.
But God is faithful and He is still working. I am still growing under His gentle guidance.

Thank-you Lord for Your faithfulness. Thank-you for your patience in teaching me how to push myself, to ignore what my flesh says and keep going. I would not be able to achieve it without You.

wisdom.

'So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the world's brilliant debaters? God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish. Since God in his wisdom saw to it that the world would never know him through human wisdom, he has used our foolish preaching to save those who believe' - 1 Corinthians 2:20-21

I like this.
I like knowing that no amount of science will ever be able to 'prove' the existance of God. That all of our wisdom will never be able to 'prove' God is there.
I like that God will always be a feel. God will never be a fact of our life until we have felt Him.
I like it that there is no way God will be a fact before a feel.
No matter how much you try, if you have never experienced the feel of God, you will never know the fact of God.

No matter how much you know or how many scriptures you remember, no matter whether you've studied the bible indepth or how 'learned' you are, if you don't have the feel of God, if you don't have the relationship all of the fact is worthless.
I don't think fact will lead you to God.
You need the feel of God to really believe in Him and therefore turn Him into fact.
But fact will not turn into feel, most of the time anyway.
Now I think about it, it probably could but lets not go there. It ruins the impact of everything above.

"This foolish plan of God is wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God's weakness is stronger than the strongest of human strengths" - 1 Corinthians 2:25

I like this as well. It reminds me off how great God is, of His might and power.




I'm off to do more chemistry study.
PSYCH!

break me down

♥

I am asking to be broken down.

from everything that i once was,

everything that is not of You God.
Tear it down, I don't want them there.

I do not want the parts that are tainted,

the parts that never should have been there.
The jealousy, bitterness, resentment
The parts I built up to glorify myself

The parts I put there to make myself feel secure
They are not of you and do not deserve a place in me

Start me afresh.
With only Your hands sculpting who I will become.
Building my spirit up, filling it with love, with hope,
with trust, with a heart for the lost, with eyes that see beyond my own needs.

I look back now and see Your works over the last year.
The times of despair where nothing was right.
I see now God. I see now that You had to break me to fix me.
The challenges forced me to change.
To rid myself of sin that had clung to me for too long.

Thank-you for your mercy God.
And Your love that always protects
always trusts
always hopes
always perseveres.
Your love that never fails.
♥

canines of the labrador variety.

In the weekend Mum and Robert were in Helensville.
On the way home they stopped at Roberts old friends place on the Bombay Hills.
Robert knows them from showing dogs as they breed a whole variety of dogs at their place and Robert used to show dogs and yeah. We didn't inquire too much as they just said they looked around the property and had a cup of tea.

So at dinner tonight, I randomly put it to Mum and Robert [jokingly] that since Blackie was put down we should get a puppy as having only 1 cat in the house is lonely [having being raised with pets all my life]
Much to my surprised they didn't seem too adverse to the situation and we even got around discussing names, discussing what would happen with it when we were out during the day, whether it would be allowed inside etc.

So in the middle of a discussion about names Mum disappears into the kitchen and reappears with these sheets full of different dog names and my sister and I suddenly just click.
So apparantly we are getting a puppy from a litter of labradors they saw at his friends when up in Auckland and have even sketched in a date as to when she will be flown down to us.

I KNOW! It's so random, but I'm not complaning!
She'll most likely arrive in 2-3 weeks and we all quite like the name 'Jetta.'
The bad thing is it'll be such a distraction as it'll probably but the weekend just after prizegiving that she comes down.
I think I'll just study when she's sleeping!

Aparrantly she's replacing me and is going to have my bed.
=/ errr........

Felines Friends.

I only fed Socks tonight.

Two years ago we had four cats [AJ, Becky, Blackie & Socks]
One year ago we had three cats [Becky, Blackie & Socks]
Up until an hour ago we had two cats [Socks and Blackie]
Now I'm feeding one cat.

Of course she had to get worse the weekend Mum and Robert were away so I had to organise it all by myself.
Poor Kitty.
But I feel better now.
When I couldn't get hold of the vet or Mum I was in hysterics.
But even as Blackie died I felt better and happier.

R.I.P Blackie/Fattie/Pain in the bum/Catface/Kitty/Barky etc.
27th September 1997 - 25th October 2008

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
- Anonymous.

changing of the strings

Today my guitar strings were changed for the first time since I got my guitar.

I hadn't noticed my guitar strings had gotten rusty and very tight and skinny.
This makes me have sore fingers from having to press so hard to get a clear sound.
It also makes me grumpy at said guitar for not sounding nice.

So my Guitar teacher changed them.
Now my guitar sounds nice and I don't have to work nearly as hard which makes for a happy me.

Moral of the Story: change guitar strings more often.

Brilliant.

An Open Letter to the People of the United States
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduce d with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

3.You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't very hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. You mus t learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England . The name of the county is " Devon ." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

5. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and an inefficient form of communication.

6. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

7. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

8. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England . It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

9. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

10. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

11. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we me an.

12. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

13. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.

14. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

15. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

16. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

17. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

18. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

19. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.

haha.

Tears of the Saints - Leeland

- There are many prodigal sons , on our city streets they run
Searching for shelter
There are homes broken down , people’s hopes have fallen to the ground
From failures
This is an emergency!

There are tears from the saints for the lost and unsaved
We’re crying for them come back home
We’re crying for them come back home
And all your children stretch out their hands and pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home , Father, we will lead them home

There are schools full of hatred , even churches have forsaken
Love and mercy
May we see this generation , in it’s state of desperation
For Your glory
This is an emergency!

There are tears from the saints , for the lost and unsaved
We’re crying for them come back home
We’re crying for them come back home
And all your children stretch out their hands and pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home , Father, we will lead them home

Sinner, reach out your hands , Children, in Christ you stand
Sinner, reach out your hands, Children, in Christ you stand
And all Your children stretch out their hands and pick up the crippled man
Father, we will lead them home , Father, we will lead them home

worlds; mine and others

Tonight the sky was blue. And it stayed a shade of blue until the light became to dim and it now appears black. It wasn't the grey, unhappy blue or the bright, summery blue but the blue that is somewhere in between.
It was the blue that when you look into makes it easy to believe that it goes on forever and at the same time makes you think the earth is covered in a blue wrapping with nothing behind it at all.

When I first began to learn about Physics I used to entertain myself by thinking that every atom, was a planet with moons. The people lived on the nucleus and the electrons were moons and other planets orbitting. That in the atoms that make up this keyboard, my room, the world outside, each was home to people like us who were unaware of us, more bigger beings.
I liked to think the earth was just another nucleus of an atom, the sun was an even bigger nuclues of an atom and we are so miniscule that we cannot even comprehend that our planet is one atom among billions [the universe] making up a bigger societies keyboards and tables and pens.
And just as I was typing this I realised the keys I am hitting are probably destroying people's worlds and I started typing somewhat more carefully, more gently until I was barely touching them at all.

After a awhile of trying to press the keys without really touching them I gave up in frustration and began hitting the keys again aware that if we indeed are part of a bigger worlds keyboard, I should be expecting our world to be squished sometime soon which means the worlds in my keyboard are going to be squashed out of existance anyway.

I think my imagination has run away with me in instances like this.
...
This is what happens when I learn about Modern Physics. My imagination starts to wonder at all the endless possiblities of what is out there in the stars and what is not really there at all. I think about how complex and big God must have been to create the Universe which is said to go on infinately.
And then I think how precise, how delicate and how much more complex He must be to create atoms, nuclei and electrons.

The moon is also full tonight. And big. Normally I find driving at night lonely, no matter how short of distance I'm going but with the moon up I just feel more comforted, more content, like I am not alone in the world.

When the moon is up and I'm driving, I feel like Jesus is next to me and that if I spoke to Him he would quite possibly speak back.

search.

I started a search on Thursday.
I was searching for the peice of of myself that went missing at some stage. The peice that left me feeling empty. The peice that went missing is the peice that means the most; the largest peice; the peice that holds every other peice together.
I was searching for God who had let slip from my heart.

You'll be happy to know I found the peice. Right where I left it. I have slipped it back in like it was always there, like it was made to be there [which i think it was.]

And now I'm not so content with where I am. I want that peice to grow, to emcompass and invade every other peice that makes up my heart. I want to be controlled by that peice that was missing.
And so I'm working. I am working towards that place that I am so desperate to get there.
But my desperation won't get me there in itself. It's going to take a solid reliance on God.
But we'll get there. We will make it, I don't have any other option.

I'm off to do my devotional.
_xx

an afternoon in town.

I went to town today.

I bought;
x1 365 Day Devotional
x1 NLT Student Life Application Bible
x1 Journal

I am poor now but it'll be worth it.

My mummy bought me;
x1 a pair of boots for America
x1 pair of sandles for school/summer.

Now I am making cupcakes for Acoustic Sessons.
xx

resolution.

I have decided something.
One of my biggest faults is the amount of time I waste on the internet. I use it to procrastinate against studying and I can't afford that at this time. I can't afford to not study and there's other things that need to get done that I don't because I'm on the internet so here is my resolution.

From the day school gets back until the end of my last exam [the 28th of November] the only sites I am allowed on is hotmail to check my e-mail and keep in contact with Beckye.
And blogspot because of my girls and I like this. It keeps my thoughts in order.
No myspace, facebook, bebo, youtube, msn or anything other than www.hotmail.com and www.blogspot.com.
There is after all only so many e-mails you can send and blogs you can post before you get bored.
That is a month and a half without all those sites. I can do it.
It will be good for me but I need your help.
I see Christina not buying clothes and I can't help but think when was the last time I gave up something? This will give me more time to work on my relationship with God and thats worth everything.

xx

The Kite Runner

I just finished watching the Kite Runner.
If you haven't seen it I want you too. It's good.
It's so hard to explain, I wish I could but I'd spoil it.

There's a scene that stayed with me.
Amir throws a rotton tomato at his best friend Hassan and says 'I dare you to throw one back'
After throwing three at him, each landing on Hassans chest he challenges Hassen again to throw one back at him. But even after those three Hassan won't throw one back at his friend.
Instead Hassan picks up one and smears it across his own face, degreding himself more.

It moves you to tears that this little boy loves his friend and master so much [Hassan is the son of the servant Amir's father hires] that he won't throw a tomato at Amir.

I cried. Throughout the whole movie.
It isn't graphic but it's shocking, sad and so so moving.

It is a story about family, a story about friends, but above that it's a story about redemption and putting things right.

Hassan to Amir; "For you a thousand times over"
---
Amir; "Would you eat dirt if I asked you to do that?"
Hassan; "If you would ask it I would...... But you would not ask that, would you?"
Amir: "Of course not"

another day.

I am just about to settle down and watch The Kite Runner. I've heard it's good

I'm on edge tonight. I'm home alone.
My sister is at a friends and my parents are at Mt Maunganui so it's just me.
Normally I'm fine being home alone but all I've done is sit around home today and i'm lonely, I need people.

Work tomorrow. Church. And then another week of holidays.
I really do need to start studying.

oh no

I feel terrible.
I was on my way home and I suddenly see this small ball on the road, then hear/feel this 'clunk clunk.'

Poor Hedgehog. They are so cute.
At least it was a quick death as I am pretty sure I went right over the middle of him/her.

Eek. I feel bad.

worry

My thoughts have been hard to track lately, this of course being the reason for my lack of blogging. I can't tell what I'm focussing on, where my attention is and what is occupying my mind, there is nothing substantial, nothing huge, just small flickers across my imagination that entertain me for awhile and pass, to fade away so that when I look back later I will remember nothing at all.

I was going to share about Auckland, but I can't be sure what Auckland was like. I'm sitting on the edge of some realization but can't tip myself over the edge to discover it.
It's frustrating to say the least.
I think what I'm going to discover is that I'm afraid. I'm am going to be in Auckland for 4 whole years and my mind is filled with a whole bunch of what if's.
What if I don't like Auckland? What if I don't like my course? What if I go to Church and don't make any friends? What if my husband isn't waiting in Auckland. What if it isn't all what I imagined? What if it's just a big disappointment?

On the Saturday night Darn, Mae and I were on Queen St at 7pm at night on our way to get dinner and the air was mixed with the smell of lovely rich spicy food's from the resturants but tarnished by the heavy cigarette smell that lingered around.
On the Friday we had also gone to Queen st. I explored Borders, Real Groovy and a market in Aotea square and was excited by all the neat stuff I found only to be remember I was going to be a poor student next year and wouldn't have the money for luxeries.

I wonder if Auckland is going to be fun for the first few months while I explore and then get boring?
I wonder whether I will have good friends like the ones I have here at home?

And then asfter thinking all that I though;
'Glory, I worry far too much for someone who should be trusting in my Lord'

Matthew 6:33-34
Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness
and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow
For tomorrow will worry about itself
Each day has enough troubles of it's own.

Maybe I should really put my money where my mouth is and start trusting God.

driving

Driving into Auckland at 2am this morning was beautiful.

So peaceful. Driving down the motorway with lights lining each side, the rest of the highway stretching into the distance, the lights showing our journey's path.
Driving into Aucland at night shows you the beauty this city has which is missed in the rush of live.
I wish I could have taken a picture.

It is at this time you realise how small we are. When there are more stars in the sky than lights on the ground. When the only thing else moving is the trucks, their lights drawing close and disappearing behind us.
People stuck in a trucks cab without anything except their destination.

It would be lonely being a truck driver if you have to drive all night, never seeing another sole. Reminds me of Blue Like Jazz. People need people. You don't remember how to communicate if you go too long without it.

Sometimes we forget that when we're in the truck on the seemingly empty road, not sure of our destination, that Jesus is in the front seat next to us.
Driving is so peaceful when you're playing worship, when you're cuddled up with a pillow looking out the window at the stars.

I like night time. It's a time to think and a time decide and a time to discover.
A time to know that Jesus is there with you.

to go.

auckland + holidays + macbook + prizegiving - exams + usa + parachute = EXCITEMENT

So leaving at lunch today, I went to Nana's and tried on my dress.
I'm happy to stay I am slightly more happy with it and will consent to wearing it.
My theory is who cares what I look like. I only have to wear it for 4 hours and then I can take it off and put on something nicer [like jeans, t-shirt and hoodie]

After being at Nana's I was bored. And after a moments hesitation I drove slightly further up Carrington road and reached the Wiese's.
Glory, it's been far too long since I saw them.

They've been in Australia on the sunshine coast for a month.
. . . I was kind of jealous to say the least.

I like Jo. I like that she's always so enthusiastic, so encouraging and so interested in whats happening in my life.
I haven't seen in in almost two months but even just dropping by randomly this afternoon she was so pleased to see me and that makes me feel so valued.
She's been someone who I can always trust and turn too. She's given me advice that was so invaluable. She's giving me perspectives on life and decisions I've made.
I've missed her input into my life these past few months.
I've missed her kids. They're so lovely.

She's definately one of those people who has your respect because of her love for God and the people around her. She is so genuine. I'm very thankful for getting to know her this year and being able to randomly turn up at her door sometimes and that she always makes an effort to catch up.

I like having people like Jo in my life. They give me hope for my future.

learning.

"What do you live for?
Living for something extends beyond fashion, glory or recognition.
We live for what we believe.

If I live what I believe, then I don't believe very many noble things. My life testifies that the first thing I believe is that I am the most important person in the world. My life testifies to this because I care more about my food and shelter and happiness that about anybody else.

BUT. I am learning to believe better things. I am learning to believe that other peope exist, that fashion is not truth; rather, Jesus is the most important figure in history, and the gospel is the most powerful force in the universe. I am learning not to be passionate about empty things, but to cultivate passion for justice, grace, truth, and communicate the idea that Jesus likes people and even loves them."
Blue Like Jazz - Donald Miller

Yess. I totally believe it.
I may not be perfect, I may think more of myself and care about myself more than anyone else right now but I am changing.

I am trying to show that the love Jesus gives was not given just for Him, but for us to spread to the world. So I am slowly changing. Sometimes it doesn't seem quick enough but I know I'm moving forward.
I know I'm learning.
I know I'm becoming who I'm meant to be.

Sorry it's taking so long.
♥

random.

i like the internet simply because it is a fantastic place to find random awesome, cool stuff, like the above. i stole this off someone's bebo site that i don't even know along with a couple of others because they were rad. basically if you put something awesome on bebo it's just an invitation for other people to take it and use it for their own purposes.

there's a song i recently found from a blog on myspace by the To Write Love on Her Arms people. [pretty much the only reason i still have a myspace] They were discussing it and the band and i decided i had to find it.

it's a fight song. not an 'i'm going to smash you' kind of song, but an i'm going to make it, i can get through this, i am not going to give up. the kind of song that you get so into that you end up screaming along with and can't help but believe you really are going to make it.

i dig those songs because sometimes i feel like i really am not going to make it, and when i hear one of those songs and i start screaming; i remember that i am given the armour of God. it's the realisation that the devil has no hold. that there is hope. that there is nothing holding me back except my own over-active imagination of why i could not, should not and can not.

it's called So, In this hour and it's by a band called the Rocket Summer. maybe it's really not that great but it is... in a wierd kind of way.

i love running listening to fight songs. sometimes i feel so retarded because i'll be running along and it'll come to the chorus where it just busts out into awesomeness. me being me will just start sprinting and running and jumping and shouting and singing along and have the volume up far more than i probably should. and then i won't hear a car coming up behind me and it'll pass me and i'll be so shammed because i'm pretty much skipping and sprinting and jumping and yelling and laughing down the road.

so shame emma. shaaaame!

now you know that although i'm awesome, i'm really kind of spastic at the same time.

i've been procrastinating [maybe not such a good idea to start a blog right before exams] and am now going to go study for chemistry first thing tomorrow.
brilliant...

faith or lack of it.

i worry. i really do worry quite a lot, most of it needlessly. such as today.

So the course i want to do at uni is very hard to get into. and the only hostel i've applied for could get full very quickly.
so basically if i don't get accepted into my hostel i'm screwed. and i don't even need to worry about hostel unless i do well in these coming exams. if i don't i don't even have a course i want to do.
eek.

so this has led me to an afternoon of stressed franticness. searching other uni's for courses i want to do. and then looking at other accomodation in auckland in the hope of finding something suitable and in all of it i forgot a few important things regarding the life i live.

1] i don't have to worry. there is a plan and a purpose. i will always have something to do with my life
2] a month ago i was all about taking a gap year. if i don't get in i start working until i figure out what i want to do. there is no rush.
3] in all of this my lack of faith that God will provide for me shows the backsliding that has been happening and the seeking of Him that i really need to do.

so i am applying for auckland uni. no others.
i'm applying for the baptist hostel and probably O'Rorke Hostel.

If these don't work out life has not ended. it will go on and i will go on with it, secure in the fact that i will always have God's plan. i will stand reassured in the hope of God.

it's pretty sweet really. i have no reason to worry.
worst comes to worse i stay in new plymouth and work....

eek.

Leaving

My first 'blog' and I'm caught up with leaving.

Seeing the place I will be living next year has turned into a sudden realisation that nothing is forever.
Even the life I move into next year is only for four years and then I once again will be finding myself in the same place.

I'm in a vulnerable place at the moment. Maybe because I have made some very important decisions recently and am second guessing myself, maybe it's because I am worried about the future, about leaving my friends and family, about leaving all I know. But most likely it's that feeling of being very small in a very big plan and not sure where I'm being taken.

On returning home from Mt Maunganui/Auckland I picked up a book and began to read. Donald Miller's book Through Painted Deserts is something I have not read yet. I have read Blue Like Jazz and the beginning of Searching for God Knows What but not Through Painted Deserts.
Through Painted Deserts is about Donald Miller leaving home. Slightly ironic considering leaving home is what has been on my mind all weekend.

Check out Donald Millers work. I'll let you borrow the book. You'll like it. Promise.

From Authors Note:
'I could not have known then that everybody, every person, has to leave, has to change like seasons; they have to or they die. The seasons remind me that I must keep changing, and I want to change because it is God's way....
Everybody has to change or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons.
I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently.''

So I think this is one of the reasons I am going to do this, as we leave, as we change, I want you, my friends, to be able to know where I'm at, to see where I'm going. Even when we are in separate cities, I want you to know whats on my mind.

I'll try my best to be transparent, to tell you the truth and to make this as deep and exciting as possible.

=] muy bien gracias.